an ode to my titas & ates.

Filipino women are the strongest and most resilient individuals I know. Whilst I may be biased to this, I believe that resilience and hyper-independence is engrained innately within Filipino women on the basis of cultural influences, familial ties alongside gendered expectations. Synonymous characteristics I find amongst filipino women tend to be assertiveness, ambition and drive. I think of my Ates and Titas, my mother and my peers and they all share the same characteristics with not one woman subverting from these ideas. Although problematic to admit, within patriarchal society these characteristics tend to be perceived as masculine, however the assertion that this can be feminine is paramount to uphold, ensuring that filipino women’s femininity is maintained to challenge this suppressive narrative.

cultural shame & sacrifice

Confucianism, a philosophical approach to life originating from east Asia, is central to the importance of filial obligation. Within Asian cultures, parents are perceived as the foundation of morality on account of primary socialisation, making it imperative that you follow what they say. Whilst Confucianist approaches are derivative from East Asia, these principles are observed within Southeast Asian family dynamics, particularly filipino ones. As a result, filipino children, especially filipino girls absorb parental ideologies as absolute truths.

The trope observed within the media that supports the idea that Asian families place a special emphasis on honour is arguably true and filipino families unfortunately, are riddled with shame attributed to this, becoming apparent within contemporary dynamics.

‘You must honour your families name and show everyone we are strong’.

‘You’re better than this’.

There is shame in asking for help when you’re filipino. You do not ask anyone for help except from your family, and if you are struggling, you do it silently. Admitting defeat is admitting weakness. Now think, when have you ever seen an asian family asking for financial support online through GoFundMe for example? In my 21 years of living have only heard of this ONCE and it was met with snarky comments from those who shared this information with me. Filipinos do not like admitting they are weak, this is something we just don’t do within our culture, whether you’re a man or woman. This cultural expectation of resilience impacts how filipino women navigate life. In conjunction with parental advice becoming an absolute truth, the idea of bringing shame to the family under the guise of ‘being weak’ becomes alien to filipino girls. Consequently this belief follows filipino girls into womanhood regardless of familial closeness or cultural identity, posing as an indicator as to why filipino women rarely ask for help.

Hyper-independence is liberating for filipino women for a plethora of reasons but it fulfils the expectations embedded within family dynamics. The ideas surrounding being independent that are attributed to beliefs within a filipino family arguably manifest into a self-fulfilling prophecy where the woman has no choice but to act feminine whilst simultaneously maintaining a stereotypically masculine approach through independence. Now I am not one to dictate what is ‘masculine’ and what is ‘feminine’ however western patriarchal ideology dictates that women should be dependent on a man whether a father figure or husband. So when a filipino woman (or woman who was raised similarly) is introduced within a western society, the difference in women can be stark. Filipino women are labelled ‘feisty’ when in reality this is a woman being assertive. I’m not saying all western women can’t be assertive without being labelled negatively within society, however it is worth mentioning the intersectionality between ethnicity and misogyny. On the basis of confucianism rarely presenting within western families, it can be argued that filipino women are raised to be assertive on account of parental morality surrounding independence in contrast to western women who may be assertive to do other socialisation. Respecting Filipino parents’ pride through being determined as a woman comes to internalised compliance for both parents and children.

gendered expectations & double standards

Hearing that your older brother got a girl pregnant at 19 whilst you at this age still had a curfew can feel like a big fat slap in the fucking face. that’s it, that’s the sentence.

In all seriousness though we don’t talk about how child rearing within filipino culture is infested with relentless double standards. Girls are restricted too much and defying this is seen as rebellion. So long as you’re someone’s filipino daughter you don’t party, stay out late or date on account of both familial reputation surrounding purity alongside overall safety as a woman. Seeing male counterparts doing everything on that list and more facilitates the need to grow independent quickly within filipino girls. The feeling of liberation from parental repression grows more into a necessity. Drawing from my own account, I find myself saying after [insert one milestone] i’ll be able to do what I want. Yet this pattern of achieving and still not being free from what people and my parents think repeats, i’m 21 doing a masters and still get scared to tell my parents my partner is staying the night. My sisters accuse me of partying which I have to shut down (despite being quite the club rat in the first two years of my undergrad) but simultaneously confide in me and tell me they know i’m doing this because that’s what they were once doing.

This relentless cycle isn’t limited to just my experience but to many other filipino girls and women. My peers open up to me about how they feel the need to lie to their parents about their whereabouts, who they are with etc. Not because they want to, but because they have to, thus creating a dichotomy of a guilty conscious in conjunction with freedom. As previously mentioned, restriction is on the basis of safety however the built up lies completely annihilate the point of safety. There is no safety within lies. Are you really free if you have to lie? Even if you don’t lie, more often times than not, you will be met with ridicule and endless questions which no one wants to deal with in their 20s.

internalised duty, obligations & colonialism

With the huge global filipino diaspora, it’s essential to acknowledge migration. Whilst the current political climate shows aggression towards migrants (as its always done so) I feel as though migrant daughters see the unjust disservice dealt to their parents and in some cases idolise them for the sacrifices their parents have made moving to a western country in hopes to better their children’s prospects. We see the attempts of assimilating to western society falling futile and we sympathise with our parents. I feel as though personally I occasionally get consumed with guilt knowing because of my British accent and the fact that I was born here, I have a better chance of conforming to the social norm because I am a product of the west. Whereas my parents are cut less slack because of their accent for example. With the feelings of guilt mixing with parental sacrifices, a silent contract is created where we are indebted to our parents to make it right. Ensure that we look after our parents where western society couldn’t and honour them with each stride we take.

Internalised colonialism is engrained within filipino culture, specifically westernised filipinos. You have the Filipina baddies on instagram claiming they’re from Spain, China etc in their bios, when their genetic makeup show they have no ancestry from those countries. Simultaneously you have Filipino men perming their hair, claiming that filipinos are black or Pacific Islander, which in itself is highly problematic. We lack a sense of what is definitively our culture in a western sphere because we had to guide ourselves within navigating these social circles and what is ‘too filipino’ for Eurocentric palettes.

Overtly, colonialism has had knock on effects on filipino culture generally. We pride ourselves in representation and independence. Till contemporary shifts, filipinos have not been present within media creating an explanation of why filipinos get excited at any clip of bruno mars, Olivia Rodrigo, H.E.R etc. With the ‘independent’ mindset, I believe it is derivative off of colonialism. The Philippines was colonised by Spain for 333 years alone, not addressing US, Japanese & Chinese settlement. Consequently, we feel the need to stress to the rest of the world we can thrive as a society without outside support, reinforcing independence within the culture. It has become so deep rooted within us that we subconsciously use this when navigating our day to day lives. As women, independence is organic to us, it’s an innate feeling we can’t shake unless we undo the work and decolonise our minds and work internally to do better.

basically…

To close, I think the filipino community, specifically parents need to adjust to ever growing attitudes in society to harbour a safe environment for their daughters alongside a nurturing approach built on trust and responsibility. The burden to bear of being a hyper-independent filipino woman can be perceived as beautiful, it highlights resilience in spite of colonial roots however it must be dismantled. We must continue to show compassion and understanding for each other. To the Ates, Titas, Ninangs and Youngers out there, whilst you carry your head high and refuse to kick up a fuss, you are seen.